Anal Probe Basics
What is an
Anal Probe?
There
are two answers:
1.) The Anal Probe Corporation and most other respected researchers use the
term "Anal Probe" to refer specifically to the probal interrogation
hardware manufactured exclusively by the Anal Probe Corporation. These probes
range from fairly simple pipes to complex self-propelled and guided devices
that harvest and log fecal samples.
2.) The professionals who perform these Invasive Ano-Fecal Interrogations (IAFIs) often erroneously use "Anal Probe" when referring to the entire interrogation process. These professionals are called Probal Interrogation Officers or PIOs. The phrase "Anal Probe" is often misused to refer to the entire procedure but is not strictly correct. The proper term for the full procedure is "Invasive Ano-Fecal Interrogation" (IAFI).
Why do this
invasive interrogation?
It allows interrogators to learn exactly what was going on in a subjects mind.
This is of extreme importance in any intelligence gathering operation.
Just what is
the complete Invasive Ano-Fecal Interrogation (IAFI) process ?
There are two parts: sample collection and analysis.
How are fecal
samples collected?
Usually with an Anal Probe. Sample collection is the specialty of
The Anal Probe Corporation, the world's only manufacturer of Anal Probes. This
is actually the easiest part of the entire procedure.
How does the
Anal Probe work?
The Anal Probes range from simple to complex. The crudest probe can be improvised
with a drinking straw, bit of newspaper, baseball bat or spoon. The most complex
probes manufactured by The Anal Probe Corporation guide and propel themselves
through the entire digestive tract while collecting and logging samples. The
logged samples are indexed by time and location within the digestive tract.
The probe enters anally and exits from the subject's mouth in about 30 minutes
full of samples.
Why is it better
to have many samples from the more complex probes?
This allows learning what the subject was doing over a the 24 hour period prior
to the interrogation. In the case of a dead subject it allows seeing what the
subject was doing for the period of about 24 hours before his death.
Can one use
fecal samples after they have been passed by the subject?
Absolutely. One does not need an Anal Probe for this, just a zip-lock bag. Advantages
of this are that samples can easily be collected without the subject's knowledge.
The disadvantage is that one only learns about the subject at one moment in
time, typically 24 hours before the passing of the sample. Also the sample may
not be fresh and may only yield partial data. When collecting passed samples
it is helpful to keep them at body temperature.
How are the
samples analyzed?
Analysis is still the very, very difficult part. The fecal samples are loaded
into a Fecal Interrogation Regression Engine (FIRE) and data is returned. This
data is played back through a Visualization Modulator Headset (VMH) attached
to a Probal Interrogation Officer's (PIO's) head.
The Visualization Modulator Headset (VMH) allows the PIO to play back the data from the Fecal Interrogation Regression Engine (FIRE) in order to experience the thoughts and sensations the subject was having when the feces were formed.
Both the FIRE and the VMH are entirely of Alien design and construction. The Aliens have still not chosen to share this extraordinarily powerful technology with us. In fact, the data creation portion of an IAFI is performed by the Aliens since they have not yet allowed us access to FIREs.
Probal Interrogation Officers (PIOs) obtain the fecal samples and then these samples are transferred to the Aliens. The Aliens return to us the complete data. We do have VMHs with which to play back the data.
What is the
history behind this?
The first reference in human literature was in Oliver Swift's classic "Gulliver's
Travels." In the complete book (not the children's version) the Brobdingnagians
analyzed feces to determine much the same things about a subject. They merely
collected stool samples.
Today we collect samples from within the digestive tract to allow a better picture of what the subject was thinking and doing for the 24 hours before the collection, or in the case of a dead subject, the 24 hours prior to his death.
How does the
Analyzer (Fecal Interrogation Regression Engine [FIRE]) work?
No human knows. What little we can suppose is that, since feces are composed
of large amounts of dead red blood cells, that the oxygen or DNA or other component
of those dead blood cells somehow records the last thoughts, sensations and
emotions of the subject as those red blood cells pass through the brain one
last time on their way to the small intestine. We also don't know exactly how
the Visualization Modulator Headset worn by the PIOs triggers the same thoughts
in the PIOs when playing the data recovered by the FIRE.
The experience is quite complete: one sees, feels, hears, smells and knows everything the subject was thinking. It's like being inside the subject's mind. Headsets like the VMHs are often portrayed in sci-fi movies.
Does it hurt?
Yes, it is painful beyond all description. The advanced Anal Probes are optimized
for great accuracy. We consider our National Defense far more important than
the temporary discomfort of our suspected uncooperative enemies.
Does it kill
the subject?
Often it does. The probes often lacerate the walls of the large intestine and
allow fecal matter into the body cavity. This leads to sepsis and usually death.
This is an interrogation procedure of last resort. In fact, the procedure is so classified that in the unlikely event a subject survives the interrogation he is pithed for secrecy.
Doesn't this
violate the Geneva Convention?
Technically yes, but so do many of the things than honorable men must do in
time of struggle. The polite bureaucrats who sign these conventions just don't
understand the realities of dealing with a hostile enemy. The fact that we have
had access to this technology is why the United States has not been involved
in any real wars since we signed the pact with our Alien partners in 1947. This
new peace we have created more than justifies the occasional torture of someone
presumed guilty.
How does it
help keep America safe?
This is a core technology for our intelligence community. It allows our military
to discover the plans of terrorists and hostile nations and allows us to take
action before the United States is harmed. In the case of the Federal prison
system it allows us to learn what the criminals are planning or have done and
with whom. This allows us to keep dangerous criminals out of our clean neighborhoods.
What is a PIO
(Probal Interrogation Officer)?
A PIO is a human trained in these interrogation procedures. These men and women
are usually federal officers with either the FBI, NSA, CIA or Federal Prison
System.
Being a PIO
sounds like an exciting, rewarding and meaningful career. What are the requirements,
what does it pay and how do I apply?
PIOs are recruited from within the organizations with clearance to perform these
procedures. They are most often senior investigators already familiar with basic
hard interrogation and torture protocols used with uncooperative subjects. They
are the few high achieving men and women who are comfortable knowing that the
greater good of the United States of America is far more valuable then the potential
for causing a potentially (but not likely) innocent individual indescribable
pain, suffering and death. These men and women are typically at GS-40 and above.
Is it true
that the English word "Analysis" is derived from "Anal,"
as in Anal Probe?
Yes.
My wife/husband/girlfriend/business
partner isn't telling me the truth about something important and I need to know.
How do I have an IAFI performed to get the real truth?
One cannot, unless one both is a currently certified PIO and has approval to
perform the procedure. Remember that this procedure is both highly classified
and highly lethal. It is not used in polite company. Remember also that the
Aliens are required to translate the fecal samples into data for us. We try
not to ask them too often, as we only get so much as our part of the "Treaty
of Mutual Benefit of Confidence" signed in 1947.