Anal Probe Basics

What is an Anal Probe?
There are two answers:
1.) The Anal Probe Corporation and most other respected researchers use the term "Anal Probe" to refer specifically to the probal interrogation hardware manufactured exclusively by the Anal Probe Corporation. These probes range from fairly simple pipes to complex self-propelled and guided devices that harvest and log fecal samples.

2.) The professionals who perform these Invasive Ano-Fecal Interrogations (IAFIs) often erroneously use "Anal Probe" when referring to the entire interrogation process. These professionals are called Probal Interrogation Officers or PIOs. The phrase "Anal Probe" is often misused to refer to the entire procedure but is not strictly correct. The proper term for the full procedure is "Invasive Ano-Fecal Interrogation" (IAFI).

Why do this invasive interrogation?
It allows interrogators to learn exactly what was going on in a subjects mind. This is of extreme importance in any intelligence gathering operation.

Just what is the complete Invasive Ano-Fecal Interrogation (IAFI) process ?
There are two parts: sample collection and analysis.

How are fecal samples collected?
Usually with an Anal Probe. Sample collection is the specialty of The Anal Probe Corporation, the world's only manufacturer of Anal Probes. This is actually the easiest part of the entire procedure.

How does the Anal Probe work?
The Anal Probes range from simple to complex. The crudest probe can be improvised with a drinking straw, bit of newspaper, baseball bat or spoon. The most complex probes manufactured by The Anal Probe Corporation guide and propel themselves through the entire digestive tract while collecting and logging samples. The logged samples are indexed by time and location within the digestive tract. The probe enters anally and exits from the subject's mouth in about 30 minutes full of samples.

Why is it better to have many samples from the more complex probes?
This allows learning what the subject was doing over a the 24 hour period prior to the interrogation. In the case of a dead subject it allows seeing what the subject was doing for the period of about 24 hours before his death.

Can one use fecal samples after they have been passed by the subject?
Absolutely. One does not need an Anal Probe for this, just a zip-lock bag. Advantages of this are that samples can easily be collected without the subject's knowledge. The disadvantage is that one only learns about the subject at one moment in time, typically 24 hours before the passing of the sample. Also the sample may not be fresh and may only yield partial data. When collecting passed samples it is helpful to keep them at body temperature.

How are the samples analyzed?
Analysis is still the very, very difficult part. The fecal samples are loaded into a Fecal Interrogation Regression Engine (FIRE) and data is returned. This data is played back through a Visualization Modulator Headset (VMH) attached to a Probal Interrogation Officer's (PIO's) head.

The Visualization Modulator Headset (VMH) allows the PIO to play back the data from the Fecal Interrogation Regression Engine (FIRE) in order to experience the thoughts and sensations the subject was having when the feces were formed.

Both the FIRE and the VMH are entirely of Alien design and construction. The Aliens have still not chosen to share this extraordinarily powerful technology with us. In fact, the data creation portion of an IAFI is performed by the Aliens since they have not yet allowed us access to FIREs.

Probal Interrogation Officers (PIOs) obtain the fecal samples and then these samples are transferred to the Aliens. The Aliens return to us the complete data. We do have VMHs with which to play back the data.

What is the history behind this?
The first reference in human literature was in Oliver Swift's classic "Gulliver's Travels." In the complete book (not the children's version) the Brobdingnagians analyzed feces to determine much the same things about a subject. They merely collected stool samples.

Today we collect samples from within the digestive tract to allow a better picture of what the subject was thinking and doing for the 24 hours before the collection, or in the case of a dead subject, the 24 hours prior to his death.

How does the Analyzer (Fecal Interrogation Regression Engine [FIRE]) work?
No human knows. What little we can suppose is that, since feces are composed of large amounts of dead red blood cells, that the oxygen or DNA or other component of those dead blood cells somehow records the last thoughts, sensations and emotions of the subject as those red blood cells pass through the brain one last time on their way to the small intestine. We also don't know exactly how the Visualization Modulator Headset worn by the PIOs triggers the same thoughts in the PIOs when playing the data recovered by the FIRE.

The experience is quite complete: one sees, feels, hears, smells and knows everything the subject was thinking. It's like being inside the subject's mind. Headsets like the VMHs are often portrayed in sci-fi movies.

Does it hurt?
Yes, it is painful beyond all description. The advanced Anal Probes are optimized for great accuracy. We consider our National Defense far more important than the temporary discomfort of our suspected uncooperative enemies.

Does it kill the subject?
Often it does. The probes often lacerate the walls of the large intestine and allow fecal matter into the body cavity. This leads to sepsis and usually death.

This is an interrogation procedure of last resort. In fact, the procedure is so classified that in the unlikely event a subject survives the interrogation he is pithed for secrecy.

Doesn't this violate the Geneva Convention?
Technically yes, but so do many of the things than honorable men must do in time of struggle. The polite bureaucrats who sign these conventions just don't understand the realities of dealing with a hostile enemy. The fact that we have had access to this technology is why the United States has not been involved in any real wars since we signed the pact with our Alien partners in 1947. This new peace we have created more than justifies the occasional torture of someone presumed guilty.

How does it help keep America safe?
This is a core technology for our intelligence community. It allows our military to discover the plans of terrorists and hostile nations and allows us to take action before the United States is harmed. In the case of the Federal prison system it allows us to learn what the criminals are planning or have done and with whom. This allows us to keep dangerous criminals out of our clean neighborhoods.

What is a PIO (Probal Interrogation Officer)?
A PIO is a human trained in these interrogation procedures. These men and women are usually federal officers with either the FBI, NSA, CIA or Federal Prison System.

Being a PIO sounds like an exciting, rewarding and meaningful career. What are the requirements, what does it pay and how do I apply?
PIOs are recruited from within the organizations with clearance to perform these procedures. They are most often senior investigators already familiar with basic hard interrogation and torture protocols used with uncooperative subjects. They are the few high achieving men and women who are comfortable knowing that the greater good of the United States of America is far more valuable then the potential for causing a potentially (but not likely) innocent individual indescribable pain, suffering and death. These men and women are typically at GS-40 and above.

Is it true that the English word "Analysis" is derived from "Anal," as in Anal Probe?

My wife/husband/girlfriend/business partner isn't telling me the truth about something important and I need to know. How do I have an IAFI performed to get the real truth?
One cannot, unless one both is a currently certified PIO and has approval to perform the procedure. Remember that this procedure is both highly classified and highly lethal. It is not used in polite company. Remember also that the Aliens are required to translate the fecal samples into data for us. We try not to ask them too often, as we only get so much as our part of the "Treaty of Mutual Benefit of Confidence" signed in 1947.

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